WASHINGTON — Sen. Bramwell T. Hedgely III arrived at the Capitol Tuesday morning promising constituents he would “never, under any circumstances” vote for the $2.1 trillion omnibus. By lunch, aides described his position as “evolving.” By 2 p.m. it had fully evolved, sprouted wings, and flown across the aisle.
“I looked deep into my conscience,” Hedgely told reporters, “and my conscience asked what the committee chairmanship paid.” The senator’s office later clarified that his line had not been abandoned, merely “relocated to a more defensible position behind the surrender.”
Rep. Dudley Foldsworth, who signed the no-new-taxes pledge in ink, blood, and a commemorative video, announced Thursday that the document “no longer reflects who I am on appropriations days.” Foldsworth insisted the signature remains valid “in spirit,” the spirit in question being one that haunts him only during primaries.
Sen. Wesley Both-Sides joined his fourteenth negotiating gang this year, breaking the record he set last year with thirteen. Asked what the new gang would produce, the senator beamed: “A framework. Possibly a blueprint. If things go very well, a roadmap.” Aides confirmed no legislation is expected to survive contact with the framework.
Ornithologists at the Capitol confirmed a rare mid-session molting Wednesday as Sen. Talon Grimsby, long the chamber’s fiercest deficit hawk, shed his plumage and voted to raise the debt ceiling “one last time, again.” Grimsby is expected to re-fledge as a hawk approximately six weeks before Election Day.
In a two-page communiqué described by staff as “volcanic,” Sen. Cordelia Vane denounced the border package as “a betrayal of everything we campaigned on.” She then voted for it, explaining that the statement “speaks for itself, so I didn’t have to.” The statement has since been deleted, and now says nothing for anyone.
Rep. Ellery Flip received a standing ovation at a fashionable Georgetown supper Friday after describing his own party’s base as “a phase the country is going through.” Witnesses report Flip bowed twice. His office maintains the congressman “bows to no one,” excepting editorial boards, donors, and applause of sufficient warmth.
An earlier edition reported Sen. Hedgely opposed the farm bill. In fact he supported it, then opposed it, and as of this printing supports the parts of it that poll above sixty percent. The Register regrets the error and has hired a futures trader to report his positions going forward.
Rep. Newton Earnest, sworn in eleven weeks ago with a binder of principles alphabetized by intensity, was seen Thursday being comforted in the cloakroom by senior colleagues. “We all came here with a binder,” one veteran said gently, sliding it into the recycling. “The building provides a new one.”
WANTED: Eyewitness accounts of cave-ins, flip-flops, and courageous evolutions. Discretion assured. Spines optional. The Register pays in vindication.